||[Jul. 20th, 2005|12:24 am]
|||||Just Like You||]|
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
2005-07-20 10:33 am (UTC)
Let me explain this to you. Watching someone suffer like this is not making peace. Its being very quiet and not letting them see how badly you are hurting because you worry how they will react. Its knowing that every touch or comment could be your last, but you want to show them false optimism. I would give anything to have one normal day with her again, one day that isn't tainted with worry. Is she going to eat like she says that she is? Is she keeping it down or not? Is she bleeding again and not telling us? Just one normal day of hugging her and not feeling every bone in her body or worrying that you might break something just by squeezing a little too hard.
No one gets the picture perfect goodbye. Who would really want to? How would you feel if you had that chance and had to tell your Mom "Good-bye"? Good-bye is final, its the end. Its turning around and walking away and knowing that that thread is cut. Its severing ties. Its not a cheerful "Bye" from the phone, but a full understanding of completion.
I think that you not syaing goodbye to your Mom is more important. There is no ending to the love that you have for her, and she knew that. Now it isn't goodbye, but "see you when I get there". We all feel that our hugs and words mean so much and without them we wouldn't know that we were loved. The major good thing that has come out of this, is the fact that actions mean so much more. Intentions mean so much more.
Case in point, someone from AAA called Mike on his cell phone for roadside assistance. Mike hadn't called anybody, so he immediately thought that it was me. He called me immediately after getting on the phone to check and see if I was ok. Once again, not normal for someone who once claimed that he didn't love me.
These actions are what people see and know that they are loved. Your Mom knew that you loved her, and you Know that your Mom loved you. You don't need a goodbye, hun. My guess is is that you really don't feel that she's gone anyway.
*hugs* It seems like we can both cheer each other up:)
*hugs* In truth though, I know a goodbye would have helped, because as it was.. I got a call on the phone from my Grandma who had found her dead. I don't feel well enough to talk about it anymore, but I promise that I would have rather had one last opportunity, with the knowledge that it was the last time too hug her and tell her I love her.
That's so hard!
Don't let it eat you up inside, though. I know that's easier said than done.
Much. Much, easier said then done, unfortuantely.